Paralysis.

My younger cousin (I was incredibly tempted to refer to her as my "little" cousin, but she towers over me by at least six inches these days) recently graduated from design school. She has a summer internship in London that lasts three weeks; she leaves on Thursday.

I spoke to her on Sunday, during my drive back up from Indianapolis. She offered to play sleuth for me, to try and ferret out the baby daddy's status (live vs. dead) and possibly even his whereabouts.

I find myself paralyzed with indecision.

On the one hand, there's "God yes, do whatever you can, find out what the hell happened, absolve me of this burden."

On the other hand, there's "This is not your responsibility and you should be focusing on your own shit while you're there."

On the one hand, there's "Who the fuck was he and why did he do this to me?"

On the other hand, there's "Do I really want to let someone else in on the depth of my shame and the completeness of my goddamn stupidity?"

On the one hand, there's "A child deserves to know everything she can about both of her parents, even absent ones."

On the other hand, there's "What is knowing anything going to do for her? He obviously doesn't care to be involved with her at all."

I find myself, in other words, completely paralyzed with the worst kind of indecision. This is not indecision by apathy or ambivalence; no, this is indecision by seeing too far in conflicting directions. I both want to know, and don't want to know. I both want to share this with someone, and don't want anyone else to really know any of the details. I both want to share with my daughter something about her father and don't want his narcissism touching her in any way whatsoever.

In the end, this is one of those situations where indecision is itself a decision. If I don't tell her anything, she can't play sleuth, and nothing will be discovered. I realize this.

I suspect the overriding factor in my decision to remain indecisive is a combination of ego and altruism. I don't want her to know how stupid I was, and I also don't want her to have anything less than a glowing experience on this opportunity. Her trip should be for her, not for me.

So another year will go by, and maybe on down the road I'll see my way to how to find out. Right now, I don't even know where to tell someone else to start looking.