There is no space travel here, FYI.
So recently, the Manfriend informed me that one of his friends (not a good friend, but an old one) is getting married later in the summer and that he assumed I wouldn't want to go and that he's taking his mother as his date.
That's actually a very truncated snapshot of the whole picture.
He assumed I wouldn't want to go because his ex is standing up in the wedding, and she and I (or rather, her sister and I?) have already had one completely bizarre and moderately unpleasant run-in in recent months. Looking back, the whole thing makes even less sense than it did at the time. I ran into the two of them at a baby store, and the sister threatened to "punch that bitch in the face." She was looking at me when she said it; I assumed she was talking about me. But, the ex is happily married to another man and has (a really rather adorable) baby boy, so I don't know why any of them would care that I'm dating the Manfriend.
No sense, I'm telling you.
Maybe she wasn't talking to me. Even though she was looking at me.
Anyway, there was this incident a few months ago, so he assumed I wouldn't want to go to a wedding that his ex would be at.
I don't think he should have assumed that.
And if he doesn't want me to be at an event she's at, why doesn't he just say that, instead of couching it in pseudo-considerate and mildly condescending terms?
On the other hand, his mother has known the groom for upwards of 20 years, and didn't actually get her own invitation to the wedding, so maybe he just wanted to take her to be nice to her.
But if that's the case, why not just say that?
And furthermore, I was supposed to attend another friend's wedding with him previously, but he backed out of that one, too.
Which leaves me with this icky idea at the back of my head that I'm like the red-headed-step-child of girlfriends and he's hiding me. I don't think there's anything so wrong with me that I need to be sheltered away from polite society. Really, I'm nothing to be ashamed of. I have the requisite number of limbs and brain cells.
So I'm curious about the full reasoning behind the decision-making process, both assuming I wouldn't want to attend and immediately inviting his mother to be his date.
But I've been informed by several (male) friends that doing so would be "cling" or "controlling" and that I should "pick my battles." I'm not trying to fight a battle. I'm curious. And he is perfectly welcome to go without me, but I would really like to know the why. And have it explained to me.
My female friends tell me to just ask, because there's no harm in satisfying curiousity.
Is this a gender thing? Should I ask, or should I bite my tongue? And if I do inquire, how do I go about it in such a way as to make it clear I'm not picking a fight, not demanding he take me with him, not being clingy or controlling?
I hate game playing. Just ask. Being direct is refreshing.
ReplyDeleteBut that's just it. It's not a game. I'm just aware, and have been reminded recently, that "direct" is just as easily taken as "confrontational" as it is "refreshing."
ReplyDeleteHow does one avoid that pitfall?
I meant games by the fact that there could be ulterior motives involved. But you won't ever really know unless you talk about it. But you are afraid to bring it up because you don't want to be perceived as confrontational. That just seems like mind games to me.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you love this guy or what, but just tell him you care about him and not to take it as confrontational at all. You are totally cool with him taking his mom, but you were just really curious, blah blah blah. If he doesn't appreciate your interest and curiosity, then maybe he isn't your best match anyway.
PS - what the hell do I know? I don't know you or him, so obviously take this with a grain of salt (and shot of tequila).
ReplyDelete