Why, why, why do I have to be the kind of person that can't just leave well-enough alone?

Why, why, why do I have to be the kind of person that falls in love at the drop of a fucken hat?

Why, why, why do I have to be the kind of woman that falls in love with men that don't or won't or can't reciprocate?

Why, why, why do I have to crave intimacy so goddamn much?

Seriously.

I suppose I don't actually *have* to be any of these things.

We are all infinitely malleable, and we can alter whatever we'd like to about ourselves if we are willing to work at it. Sometimes the work is hard, and long, and we want to give up and we do give up before we accomplish the change, but that doesn't the change was impossible, just that we were frail and weak.

Which is also human nature, but that's another story.

But I guess what it comes down to is this: despite seemingly endless heartache and hurt that are no one's fault but my own, despite conflicting imperatives from my body and my mind and my heart, I just really, really don't want to change.

Giving up the parts of myself that leave me vulnerable to falling in love, eager to know other people, desperate to be known, would mean giving up the last bits of innocence I've got. I really, truly believe that giving up the optimism and the idealism and the drive that make me so goddamn easy to hurt would leave me so jaded I'd never love anyone ever again. I'd end up dead to the world.

And I don't want to do that.

I don't want to do that because it's not fair to my daughter to leave her with two parents that are both so self-absorbed and hedonistic they can't care about anyone. She's already got one. He took that road; I can't follow. I can't do that to her.

So here I am, stuck between a rock and a hard place, feeling like I'm getting my heart stomped on and the only way I can think to stop it is to kill the damn thing myself.

And it's no one's fault but my own.

And if anyone is nice to me, I'm going to collapse in a puddle at their feet and cry and cry and not stop until I've drowned myself and then I'm going to love them.

So don't be nice to me.

I can't handle it.