I have a profile on OKCupid. (Really. Stop laughing. Ok, keep laughing, it's pretty funny. But can you at least keep it to belly laughs and giggles, and dispense with the snickering? Snickering makes me feel judged. Thanks.)
In the year or so I've been using this only-slightly-less-cess-ridden-than-Craigs-List pool of humanity, I have met in person exactly one man. He (read: his dick) was not right for me. Really, really not right for me. Wow. Nice guy, honestly. Just not for me.
Anyway, I've had the usual barrage of online dating adventures: the polyamorous guys that are sort of sweetly earnest about wanting to maintain multiple relationships, the completely illiterate bros who refer to me as "shorty" and/or "gurl" and like to ask if I like to give head, the intensely earnest single father's who gravitate toward me because I already have a kid and then ask me why I don't talk about her at all, because obviously a child is the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE and is the only thing a parent should ever talk about.
(Side rant: I actually had one of these guys tell me I was a bad mother when I calmly tried to explain to him that being an unhappy, boring person by giving up every part of my life to a three-year-old would be a terrible thing for her. He honestly didn't get it. What in the flipping hell is wrong with people these days?)
Oh, and then there was the guy who is, by his own admission, about three hundred pounds over weight and always cranky because he's in "chronic pain" but felt that introducing himself by telling me that he's better than me was a good idea. No, I'm not joking. This happened.
Lately, I've been exchanging rather pleasant, intellectual messages with an English major-turned-Army enlistee. The nature of our communiques being what it is, I sometimes spend several hours in between doing minimal amounts of work while I sit at my desk and get paid composing responses. He's really rather intelligent, and I enjoy a good verbal jousting match more than most people. We almost maybe kind of sort of worked out the nature of evil last week.
Anyway, this requires me to be logged into the OKC site for (on occasion) hours on end. Since the site design is horrificly bad, there seems to be no way to consistently turn off the built-in chat function. Every time I think I'm safe, it randomly turns itself back on (sometimes when I haven't even clicked anything).
How do I know it has turned itself back on? I get an instant message.
Some of these are too mundane and/or vulgar to even be funny, but every once in awhile I hit comic (and secret internal mean-streak gratifying) gold.
Like the other day. I got hit up by this guy. Who knows how much of what he was telling me was the truth. Being a somewhat reticent person, I have a hard time believing people that just out with all sorts of really bizarre and personal details of their lives to another person without any provocation, warning or prompting.
So this guy. He's been with one woman his whole life. She's now refusing to sleep with him anymore, so he's trolling OKC looking for no-strings-attached sex so that he can get his jollies. But he loves this woman. Oh, and they're both in their mid-20s. So, it's not like it's weird that she's refusing to sleep with him or anything. In the course of this convesration (which, I'll confess, I dragged out for some considerable amount of time because this guy was amusing) I gave him relationship advice, told him about the time I was the other woman, and apparently made him so horny with my dry, intellectual treatment of his problems that he had to go rub one out in the bathroom.
What. The. Hell.
Why are people so goddamn NUTS?
But these are all pretty standard for the wild and woolly world of looking for love in the internets, right?
Please tell me yes. I really don't want to have to face the reality that I'm just a freak magnet.
(Side note two: My paranoid-android self took over for about half this conversation because some of those questions were just too pointed for my taste and I still think maybe it was someone I know or know of that was trying to get me to admit something or otherwise embarrass myself.)
(I'm crazy, too. xoxo!)
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