Today's inescapable and cringe-inducing conclusion:
I'm a bad parent.
No, really. If you'd seen the tantrums I've had to deal with in the last three days, you'd know. Good parents don't have to deal with those kinds of tantrums, because good parents know how to head them off at the pass, one way or another. Good parents don't end up in screaming matches with their kids because they can neither continue to speak calmly nor simply walk away.
Good parents don't have to fight to do nice things with their kids.
So there it is. The reason mommy drinks is that she has a toddler and there's really just no way to get through the day with a toddler that doesn't involve liquor. Not when you're a bad mommy, anyway.
Honestly, though: How do you deal with a kid that won't pick out bedtime stories for you to read, won't let you pick them out, and screams bloody murder when you try to sit and wait it out? Then screams louder when you leave the room, then even louder when you come back in and tell her that unless she picks out books to read, you can't read her any stories?
Every choice simply leads to more screaming.
Oo, oo! How about breakfast? Simple, right?
"Would you like Cheerios or Raisin Bran?"
"NO!"
"Ok, well, if you get hungry and want something, let me know what you want and I'll get you something then."
"I AM HUNGRY!"
Then do you want *Cheerios* or *Raisin Bran*?
"CHEERIOS. NO RAISIN BRAN."
"Which is it? You have to PICK one or I can't get it for you."
"NO! I DON'T WANT TO PICK ONE. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME."
"Should I put some of each in your bowl?"
"NO! I WANT BREAKFAST. YOU'RE NOT GIVING ME BREAKFAST."
"Well, I can't GIVE you breakfast if you don't tell me what you want, so please PICK SOMETHING so I can give it to you."
"NO! I WANT BREAKFAST NOW!"
(ad nauseum, ad infinitum)
This is my life. I can't fucking deal with it. I am going to lose my shit. Bad mommy.
I must be a bad daddy... because this reads like a page from my life story.
ReplyDeleteWhiskey kicks the baby blues like no other. Try giving her that with her Raisin Bran. Also, not being able to get along with your child does not a bad parent make. Giving up on getting along with your child does, though. She is no doubt asserting the same sort of fiery independence that you demand in your everyday existence. She just lacks the capacity to express in without making you feel like a tool. That's what kids do. Make mincemeat of maturity. Get that shaker out and drop that Tullamore Dew onto some ice. It will get better. The shakes I mean.
ReplyDeleteOh boy, I feel for you. I, too, had a child who I actually thought was evil at times. And I, too, love whiskey (though I didn't know it back then). Misery loves company, so feel free to read my series about Maria at http://dinamotalks.blogspot.com/2009/02/on-day-she-was-born-i-cried-part-2.html and KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It's damn hard raising a child on your own, let alone one who seems to hate life (or at least you). But she doesn't. She actually needs you. She probably needs you to be stronger, more confident in your mothering, which actually translates to CALMNESS and KNOWLEDGE. I always found it helpful to read a good book on whatever subject I was challenged with. Knowledge is so empowering as I'm sure you already know. It gives you the confidence and the tools to move forward in a way you can feel good about. Also talk to people who have been through it and survived. I'm here if you need, cuz I understand how gruelling it is, and painful to think that your kid doesn't love you. BUT SHE DOES. She's just asking for a different version of you. You can do it because you love her, and without drowning in the drink.
ReplyDelete