Every relationship has rules. There's a sort of standard set of them (monogamy, financial sharing, modicum of care) that is the basic template for modern, American relationships. Individual couples work out the details of their particular relationship and apply variations of these rules, or chuck them completely and start from a blank slate, building as necessary.
Many relationships break down when the rules aren't followed. Many others break down because the rules were never explicitly defined, and so one party or another violates them unknowingly or someone starts pushing for a defined set of rules which is often casually referred to as "labeling" the relationship and the other person freaks the fuck out because defined rules mean they have to follow them, too, and not having any rules to follow is so nice.
I've got very little problem chucking the basic template and building from scratch. Most things in my life are negotiable. I don't have a great many strong convictions about anything (although, to be fair, the few things I do have strong convictions about are pretty much iron-clad and you will never get me to negotiate on them) so I'm willing to compromise a great deal.
What I have a hard time dealing with is uncertainty, or operating without a defined set of rules. I am a person that needs to know where the lines are, and why they are there, and how important each one is. This is equally so that I don't unintentionally cross any boundaries, and so that if I do cross a line, I know what the likely outcome will be. I like to rebel with purpose, you see. If I'm going to set something on fire, I will be very careful to pick the thing that will produce the exact impact I'm going for.
I really do weigh things that carefully; it's the natural consequence of being a worrier. I calculate risk with an internal scale that is so finely calilbrated it distinguishes between 6 hours of sleep and 5.5 hours of sleep; between a margarita and a manhattan; between $20 and $25; between "I love you" and "I am in love with you."
But all this calculation depends on data, on having the information necessary to weigh risk, and so in relationships with undefined rules, I have no data on which to make decisions. This is how I get hurt. When I don't know what I'm leaping into, I tense and hit the ground hard and shatter. When I can see, I can relax and roll with the punches.
Maybe what I'm supposed to be learning right now is how to roll with punches while blind. Maybe what I'm supposed to be learning right now is the value of the undefined, the freeing nature of letting go of risk calculation, the joy of floating even if there's a 100-foot waterfall just up ahead pulling you inexorably toward the precipice.
Mostly it feels like walking a tightrope without a net, and falling every other step. I'm not ready for this. I need some rules to work with, I need some data on which to make decisions. I need to calculate whether the tightrope is worth walking.
Rats, it wouldn't take my comment. Trying again. I am the opposite. I don't need data. If I had data, I'd probably ignore it anyway. I follow my heart way more often than I follow my head. I need freedom. That doesn't mean I can't be in an relationship, monogamous or not - I can take someone along for the freedom ride. I just want to go where the day takes me and anything that stifles that drags me down. Must be why I also like taking risks. My general rule is to say yes and go for it, whatever it is.
ReplyDeleteI should have perhaps used a different word than "rules" because it does set up a dichotomous relation with "freedom" and that's not really what I meant to do. I'm, also, a "Say yes, head off into the sunset" sort of person. What I mean is perhaps more like "expectations." I need to know what to expect, what you're willing to give me, and why in order to establish a baseline for behavior so that I can then properly interpret any changes.
DeleteWithout data, I'm likely to jump immediately to the worst-case scenario for any change (Oh, I haven't gotten a text in six days? "SHIT, you HATE ME, you FOUND SOMEONE ELSE what did I do WRONG? My heart is BREAKING!" instead of "You're busy/don't want to subject me to your mood/need to figure something out on your own") and that makes me angsty and jumpy and all sort of unattractive and needy.
Okay, that's cool, I get it. So instead of assuming the worst why not try to assume the best and if it is the former, then that is his problem, not yours. You are a cool chick - smart and attractive. You don't need data to know that.
ReplyDeleteIt works both ways. I've gone out with a new gal four times in the last couple months (lots of travel making it difficult to meet up). I text her and she tends not to respond for hours or even days. I wasn't used to that. But she clearly digs me (what's not to dig, right?) so I don't worry about it. I do understand your side though and if we were dating, I'd try to make sure I communicate with you in a way that keeps you at ease. It is nice to be aware of each other's shit and find a happy medium.