I am resigning from the human race. I'm done being a good person.
Effective immediately.
So, the next time you want me to care about something, you'd better pull out your big guns. A text message isn't going to cut it. A phone call probably won't, either.
No, if you want me to care, you're going to have to show up on my doorstep, in the rain, soaking wet and probably catching pneumonia as you stand there and plead with me. Kneeling in a puddle that is six inches deep will not be going too far.
Visual aids are required. You must produce your crazy friend/injured cat/broken down car/alcoholic family IN PERSON. If they are not present, you can forget about getting anything from me. My heartstrings will not be tugged.
And really, because it's me, I want eloquence. I want simple, powerful prose that tells me whatever story you want to tell effectively. This means that you must choose the correct words, they must make sense, and they must be strung together properly. Any attempts at overblown alliteration/assonance/rhyme will be laughed at and mocked mercilessly. Likewise for grammatical errors, pronunciation errors and any other error I may think of as you beg me for compassion.
I have no mercy, world. I'm done with it. It's useless.
My conscience is in effective stasis. It will not be making any more appearances in this life. I will feel no guilt while I stare at you with steely eyes and joke about your dead babies, your health problems, your broken hearts.
I am a statue. I am stone. Nothing touches me, and nothing ever will, until I'm finally worn down by the nature of the world that kills us all.
Trying asking the rain for understanding. You might have better luck.
Ah yes, there is that sunny, happy go-lucky attitude of yours that I enjoy so much. The dose of sarcasm is excellent as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure who pushed you over the ledge, but in a sick way I'm grateful to them for enabling me to read the resulting rant.
For realz, I hope whatever it is that you want will actually happen.
Ha. So as a closet adrenaline junkie, you want to live on the edge. Being with people of like mind will NOT give you mewling sycophants but rather men of a capricious nature and an insouciant attitude. Which is exactly how you like it. This is an example of cognitive dissonance at its finest.
ReplyDeleteAnd no, we don't accept your resignation. Sorry, There's work to be done.
@awkward Have I ever told you that one of my really good friends performs under the name "Dr. Awkward"? Every time I see your handle, I get the giggles.
ReplyDelete@Ody I'm well aware of the cognitive dissonance. This is its resolution. I've struggled with it my entire life but nce before, I've resolved it, in exactly this manner. My mistake was going back to my old ways.