I watched a movie last night that I've been putting off watching. I was concerned about what this particular film would do to my rather delicate emotional equilibrium.
And good lord, was I right.
You know what I'm talking about. Those movies that you watch and think the entire time, "This was me. This could have been me. This could still be me."
It's unsettling, particularly when there's death, dismemberment and/or epic romance involved.
I think that the movie is supposed to be a cautionary tale against the dangers of the adrenaline rush, of the relationship that pushes you to ever-greater heights of outrageousness, that pushes you past caring about anything other than "What next? What now?" I mean, they do end up dead, buried together under a ton of concrete. And while the end of the movie flashes back through all the choices they could have made and shows them happy together, the fact remains they didn't make those choices and spent their adult lives completely miserable.
It's romanticized and beautifully filmed, but still, I think it's supposed to make you realize how unhealthy those kinds of relationships are.
Too fucking bad.
Have you ever played a sustained game of truth or dare with someone? Where you didn't get to pick whether you gave a truth or did a dare, but the other person did? One in which you had to finish the game?
I have.
"Buy a plane ticket, right now." No money, no job. Do it anyway.
"Pick me up in a company car." Could get fired, and who else is going to hire someone with a criminal record a mile long? Do it anyway.
"Lay in Anne Boleyn's bed."
"Fuck me in the choir loft of Temple Church."
"Roll this joint on the train so we can smoke it as soon as we get to the car."
"Let my spastic American ass drive your car through London traffic."
"Would you let me cut your feet off?"
"Would you teach me to fight?"
"Would you wait for me, if I got sent away again?"
And on. And on. And on.
And all the movie made me realize was how much I miss it. No one plays enough anymore. Everyone takes things too seriously, and not the right things. Even me. I've lost it. I've lost that absolute confidence, that unshakeable direction, that true north.
Now I'm ordinary.
No, no, no.
ReplyDeleteYou are not even close to ordinary.
You are extra-ordinary.
Really.
I had a girlfriend like this. She always wanted an adrenaline rush purely for sexual reasons. Later, she learned cheating was the best way to achieve it. Obviously, it's what ended the relationship. I understand she continues her game. Although I haven't seen the movie, it appears they're self-destructive because they're miserable to begin with. It's they only way for them to feel something. These are the conclusions I came to based on my experiences with my ex. In reality, I'm not sure she could be happy with someone just like her.
ReplyDeleteIn your situation, was a game of self-destruction or reversing dom/sub roles? I guess it could be a combo. Whatchu think?