You know what's even worse than that thing that's just the absolute worst? Because there are things that just rip your guts out, and they're awful. But they're supposed to rip your guts out. So, when you're destroyed by them, everyone understands.
But what's worse than those things are the things that rip your guts out that shouldn't. The things that are totally rational, absolutely the right things, that are completely spot-on expressions of maturity... that still make you want to cry. And cry a lot. Those things exist. And they are worse than the worst.
It's a really hard thing to subjugate your emotional reactions to your reason. I have spent years, more than a decade, trying to do it. And I've been more or less completely unsuccessful. I can now analyze my emotional reactions. I can say to myself, "This hurt me because of this and that" and I can see how the pieces fit together. I can do it with things that make me angry and things that make me happy and things that make me sad. I can do it all day long.
But seeing why something hurts, or enrages, or causes spontaneous spasms of uncontrollable giggles, doesn't make the need to cry, or throw something, or laugh any less. And being able to see the whys and hows of your own reactions has the side effect of making it so much easier to see why someone else's decision is probably completely rational and reasonable.
So when a very handsome, very charming, very reasonable man that kisses delightfully and drops the word "penury" into conversation like it's no big deal tells you that he's intrigued by you but he's not attached to you, it hurts. Even though the 1,000 miles and the non-existent geographic flexibility pretty much make that position the only one to take. I can understand that. Really. I get it.
I still felt very much like I wanted to cry for a day or two, though. And that's totally not valid. I mean, I feel it, so it's obviously valid in some sense, but it's not really, because being hurt by that is grounded in being such a ridiculous romantic, such a fairy-tale laden sop, that it's really just silly.
I believe in love at first sight. More than that: I want it. I want craziness! But I want craziness that's built on solid foundations. Because actual craziness is scary and leads to death threats, actually attempts at murder, narcissists, cheating, and more tears than it would take to fill an ocean.
But crazy romance built on a solid foundation is the female version of the virgin/whore complex. It doesn't exist. It's not possible. I can get that. I still want it, though, so when practicality and reason assert themselves into my crazy romantic fantasies, I want to cry.
Because it hurts. It hurts not to be fallen in love with.
I have been reading your blog for x times now. That is a long time, friend. You are a very deep and intense person. Your thoughts are beyond your years, in my humble opinion. I often have comments that are reduced to a lame blurb per the nature of blogging. So, I request, slash demand, that you send me your email addy so when I feel the urge to comment a novel, I can actually do it instead of editing myself to drivel. My email is on my profile. Do it!!
ReplyDeleteLife may not be the party we hoped for,
ReplyDeletebut while we are here we might as well dance. ;D
Being a guy I can relate to your dilemma... really, it's happened to me as well. I would be totally in love with some woman but she is in love with someone else who treats her badly. [shakes head in disbelief]
ReplyDeleteNow my situation has evolved to where I have reached the "invisible to women" age; it has it's own set of issues of loss.
But what you wish for IS possible. I met my second (and current) wife of 26 years - we had known each other only 10 days when I asked her to marry me. It's just gotten better and better ever since.