I have a dirty mouth, and it bothers me.

I gave up swearing for Lent. It has not been going well.

I have sworn like a little sailor from the time I was about 14 onward. My vocabulary is filthy, if extensive. For many, many years, I took a great and perverse delight in my dirty mouth. I was proud of it. I was also always aware when I was swearing and what I was saying.

Recently, that has not been so much the case. In the last year (probably more like 18 months, but whatever) I have noticed that more and more I do not remember swearing. Other people have pointed out to me that I have, on occasion, dropped some f-bombs and other choice morsels into situations that they were probably not entirely appropriate. Now, I'm not completely lost, as I have not yet sworn to my brand-new, shiny coworkers, nor have I sworn at a Church function. To my knowledge.

But I was sufficiently wigged out after swearing in work-related conversation with a business acquaintance (not nearly as stuffy as it sounds, but still) that I decided to give up swearing for Lent.

See, the popular culture version of Lent would have you believe it's about punishing yourself, and therefore you should give up things that you like to eat. That makes sense in someone's mind. Not mine, but someone's.

The thing is, though, that Lent isn't actually about self-flagellation. It's a time of spiritual discipline, much like any of the other spiritual disciplines that people have come to accept as way better than Christianity. It's a time to be mindful of what you do, to decrease the amount of time and energy and money that you spend on yourself and increase the amount of time, energy and money you spend on others. It's a time for stripping your life down to the bare necessities for a finite period, to shut out the distractions and focus on God and contemplation and your spiritual life.

So I gave up swearing. To make myself more mindful of the words that are coming out of my mouth, because we should always be aware of what we're saying and how we're saying it. And my own (personal) belief is that it might help make the world a better place. We can only control ourselves, ultimately, and so I can do everything to make myself the best person I can be. Which includes my language.

It's been going terribly, though. I can't seem to stop myself. I can't seem to make myself think about how I'm saying something- the words just fly out and there I am, left embarrassed and a little guilty.

So I'm thinking about giving up strawberry jam instead.