Mood Swing.

You come and get me when I'm all alone

On the corner, just skin and bones

Fever in and fever out

And you're the swinger who brings me doubt.

Lover boy, where you coming from

Down there, out back, always on the run?

Cool, cool, deep blue

And you're the shine on my shoes.

Is it in the damp heat inside of me

Or is it in the fire that we collide?

I feed you, mood swing,

But you're never satisfied.

-"Mood Swing," Luscious Jackson

I'm moody. Seriously. 

I'm swinging wildly at fenceposts, and mostly I'm missing anyway. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm narcissistic, I'm insecure, I'm over it, I'm angry.

I can't help but feel as if I'm being unfair to the Manfriend by even *being* in a relationship with him. Because, honestly, in those quiet moments right before I fall asleep and I can be totally honest with myself, I know that I'm still in love with the Baby Daddy. I fight it while I'm awake and conscious. I fight it with everything I've got. He's gone, I've no idea where he is or if he's alive or if he'll ever be back, but if he did turn up, I'd take him back.

I'd run back to him with arms outstretched through a field of daisies.

Or maybe poppies.

But I have accepted (more or less) the fact that he's either dead, or never coming back, and so I rationalize moving on with my life.

And I do like the Manfriend. I could even fall in love with him, if I let myself. I don't let myself, for several reasons. One of them being that I know he's not there yet, and I don't really want to do the one-sided relationship thing. Another being that I am still in love with the Baby Daddy.

I can only hope that if the Manfriend ever gets there, I am *actually* over the Baby Daddy.

In the meantime, I get to deal with these lovely mood swings, exacerbated by the ongoing post-partum hormonal shifts. I want intimacy, I want sex, I want to be left the hell alone. I crack jokes about the disappearing act, then want to cry if someone else even alludes to it. I want to sleep forever, but I seem to have caught a nasty case of insomnia.

I'm kind of a wreck.