I was never one of those tough chicks that can drink the rugby team under the table, but I had a very good sense of my limits (learned largely in one night in which gallons of rum were consumed) and I could pace myself well and in general keep up with most normal people at the bar. Or the party. Or the park. Where ever.
No longer.
Because oh-my-fucking-god was I hungover yesterday morning. Actually, I was hungover the night before whilst still drunk. I was in bed by 1:00 am, after having puked twice. Once nothing but water.
Then I got up and did Mother's Day with my mom and my dad and my daughter. Then I gave the baby to my mom and said, "You guys go to church, I won't make it through Mass." And went upstairs and puked again (coffee and cinnamon rolls are actually not the most unpleasant things to vomit, by the way) and then slept for another three hours.
Then I woke up and I was fine.
Went to MAM with my mom and the baby. We saw a lovely exhibit of portraits of teenagers. We wandered the regular collection. We chatted, we drank coffee.
Lovely afternoon.
I wonder somewhere in the back of my head if I wasn't trying to sabotage my very first mother's day. I'm still a little ambivalent about the whole "motherhood" thing, even if I do love the Snugglebug. Because I do love her. She's wonderful and amazing and the most interesting, littlest person.
But I will own that I am not sure how feel about myself as "mother." I'm not a mommy. I'm not a mama. I'm not a mother. I'm not really all that maternal. I'm too analytical for maternity.
But I still love her. And she's still amazing. So all I have to do is try really, really hard not to screw her up.
Right?
Ahhh, but you are a mother, mama, mommy, maternal woman. You will always be your daughter's mommy. Even when (or if) she is a mommy, she will be your little girl and you will be her mommy. It is both the hardest thing ever (okay, I'm not a mom, but being a dad is similar), and the best thing ever.
ReplyDeleteWe all need to push reality away now and then, even if it means puking like a high school kid now and then.
Thank goodness for SpongeBob on hungover mornings...
Yes, I will always be her mother. This is the source of my discomfort. I will *always* be her mother. Heretoforth, my life has been a series of transient states that I could leave behind at will.
ReplyDeleteThis is no longer the case, and it freaks me out.
I am, at this distance, more than a little irritated with myself for drinking myself sick. And I know it'll probably happen again. Which irritates me even more.
It is nice to know that other parents have this urge, though. I can't recall either of mine ever partying, being drunk, or being hungover.
I know what you mean. Forever is a long time, eh? I have gone full circle and find myself binge drinking sometimes. Or needing to go on a hike by myself. Or going on a trip with the guys. Or anything, to get some me time and some away time. It's totally normal, goldengirl. I'd get drunk with you next time if I could.
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